Day 5: It Feels Weird
It feels weird.
It feels weird not to have to be working on some Forbes story that needs to be published in the future.
It feels weird that I have time not to think about the next month's Forbes stories and such.
It feels weird to have more time to think about F2F.
I'm really bad at prioritizing what I need to do and doing those things in that prioritized order.
(I'm rambling, but I don't know what else to say at this point.)
I'm not happy with the state of F2F, my blogging and vlogging, and other things I'm doing outside of writing. While I've gotten closer to that 200 story mark, I honestly feel like the rest of my life has stagnated.
I keep talking about the same shit over and over again: lack of sleep, grad school mentality, aspirations for exercise.
One might be tempted to say that my life isn't "going anywhere," but that's not true in reality. I just graduated from my "prestigious" competitive rotation program at Boeing, my work on Forbes and F2F is recognized more than ever, and I've gotten several opportunities in VC, some of which I've taken.
I've never been in such great financial health. Mentally, I'm doing way better on average than I am was at MIT, especially when I was an undergrad. The only reason I have down days now is that I literally do not go to bed on time and/or happen to wake up during the nights because I think I ate enough food before bed when I did.
Why do I feel stuck then, even when all material signs in my life show otherwise? Deep down it's because I lack the courage to develop my life the way I want to versus having "success" on the conventional path I'm currently walking.
This has been an underlying tension within me for the longest time, and I think it's best illustrated by "addiction" or obsession with lining up the next story for Forbes rather than hustle to win a new subscriber to my newsletter.
Right now, I prefer Forbes "prestige" gracing my writing than the hard-earned appreciation for my work on F2F, even though I desire the latter more than the former.
I'm afraid to stand on my own through my work on F2F. I must if I'm going to achieve the goals I've spoken about here on the blog.
I have to be independent. I cannot primarily rely on the brand value of the institutions I attended or corporations I've worked for.
I have got to have faith in my work and vision to succeed with F2F.